As the parent of a 5 year old girl, I have heard the song “Let it go”, from Frozen over and over. I have heard it as “Lek it go” (some speech therapy might improve this) with dramatic hand motions and heartfelt effort. It usually makes me smile and enjoy the notion of my daughter letting her strong emotive self create and express for us to experience.
My life is currently in turmoil, as my wife and I struggle through what our relationship will be. We’ve been married 7 years and the “itch” hit her. As I spend each day struggling to breathe, crying, then not being able to cry and feeling as though I have lost my best friend, I think about letting it go. Do I release her and move to creating a shared future for the best raising of our shared child and my teenage daughter? Do I press and press for us to fight the fight and use counseling and soul searching to see if this can be saved? Is it worth saving? She is the love of my life and I do not feel differently now. She does, however, and it may be that I am better off convincing myself that I am worthy of love in the future than that she should see I am worthy of all of her love.
I will continue to enjoy my child’s singing and expressing. It is not lost on me how much I can learn from her tapping into her emotive self and then giggling afterwards with how fun it was to express herself.
I’m baking my ex-husband a pie for his birthday. I am doing this for our daughter, not him. He is a manipulative, self-centered man who has caused a lot of anguish for our daughter. I want her to feel as little stress as possible when forced to spend time with him. He requested that she make it for him as he is currently getting divorced from his wife of 5 years. I made the pie knowing he would not be happy with a store bought pie, and he would let her know it. I’m sure I have friends or family who think I’m crazy for doing it, but I know my truth. My truth is my daughter’s happiness is of utmost importance to me. If I can minimize him being critical, unkind or rude to her, I will. At every moment and every point in her life that I think she needs someone to back her up, I will be there.
So I bake the pie and she’ll give it to him and share a moment that he can feel good that she met his ridiculous want.
In the past year, several family members as well as a friend have struggled with anxiety, depression and debilitating sadness. In their struggles, the same message is shared. That they don’t have enough. Enough money, enough love, enough career status. I think of how this theme of enough seems to lead us. We spend more time wishing for more and thinking about what we’re missing. I wonder if this is common outside of the United States. How is it that we can so comfortably spend time thinking of how we want more and be challenged to spend a moment observing all that we have?
I am grateful for the community I connect with, the home and “things” I get to enjoy and the ability to think and share what I observe.
I’m blogging to share more of what’s inside. Inside my mind and my heart. I am not a writer but I do like to write. I expect to discover more about me as I journal. I plan to share experiences that have shaped my worldview and personal esteem. This is my appletablebook.